MADE UP VIDEO GAME IS MOVING!

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H.P. Lovecraft’s Zany Mini Golf

From Peter C., we're getting the spiritual successor to Mario Golf:

H.P. Lovecraft’s Zany Mini Golf
Putt your way through Cyclopean towers steeped in eldritch horror!
Co-op mode pairs you with Shub Niggurath, The Goat of a Thousand Young
OMG, your great grandfather was a fish!

Reason # 26,934 as to why video games are interesting: I will play a golf video game. I am bored by the actual sport but if I can tee off as a ghost or perhaps an ambulatory plant, I will don my tam o'shanter.

I went a little goofy with this box. I was prepared to try some teeth-grindingly wacky Zoo Tycoon-type art but I figured I should stay true to Mr. Harry Potter Lovecraft's original mood of sinking horror. On top on a mini golf game. See? There is zero way to stay un-goofy.

Would I play this? Well... I DO like the idea of golfing as an elder god but it stretches my emotional essence thin. Maybe a rental.

Legend of Zelda: The Golden Age of Hyrule

This week's submission gets right to the point. From Nick W.:

Legend of Zelda: The Golden Age of Hyrule is a Zelda-centric kingdom-building / court-managing / adventuring hybrid.

Man. MAN. This is an exciting idea. There's so much going on inside the idea of the gameplay that for a while I was a kid in a candy shop.

I decided to stay simple. Focus on the castle- the real impetus for forward movement in a game such as this. One of the major drawbacks of kingdom/political sims is the high expectation of being overly complicated. Tough to learn, tough get involved. So it was very important to give a very simple, very non-threatening face to this game. I want someone to accidentally realize years down the road that this was the first Civ game they played.

I also wanted the cover to looks older as if- well, Hyrule's "Golden Age" is something we're fondly looking back upon. If anyone is living on nostalgia, it's the Zelda series. I zing with a heavy heart.

Would I play this? Try and stop me. This sounds like a game after my own heart. Dear Nick: Please rise to unexpected power inside Nintendo and make this happen. I fear it would be undoubtedly shoved onto the DS but I promise I would play this game every day.

Captain Crash's Race Wizard Battle!

This week, from Brian L.:

I am a HUGE fan of those old school video games that had incredibly weird premises because the programmers were basically doing the art and they would make blobs of color and then decide what they looked like so you would get things like:

Captain Crash's Race Wizard Battle!

With a premise like:

Mole Men Robots from the earth's core are attacking the city of Carzania! Only Captain Crash and his talking machine-gun-car can race to battle and learn the powerful magic of the Sage Wizards to defeat Golzonor and the Mole-bots!

Another old school game. Brian L. is a million times correct- those Atari 2600 era games were completely free to be as gonzo as they pleased. The world was their weird, weird oyster. There's a lot to envy in that freedom.

So I decided to be as strictly formalistic as I could. That seemed funny. This is clearly an Activision box for the Atari (Video Computer System). On the whole, those are some exceptionally stylish boxes. Fluid, colorful, formal- it's like a minimalist on a sugar bender. Really the great majority of the Atari boxes are wonderful. Half-Bill Sienkiewicz, half-Josef Albers. That's a beautiful baby!

Would I play this? Sure! I mean, I would die from some unavoidable, insta-kill crap and it would restart me at the very beginning and I would have to call three of my friends to help me throw my controller at the tv- but I'd play it!

Deranged Puzzle

This week, from... From Me? Well, why not? I write:

Deranged Puzzle! The NES game we all remember- because it burned us so viciously. Upon starting the game, one would be faced with a selection of interlocking spacial puzzles. Unfortunately, the pieces themselves were randomly generated shapes. Billed falsely as a Tetris clone, it quickly became apparent that none of the puzzles are capable of being solved or completed. No timer. No points. No objective way to measure success or failure. Occasionally, there wasn't even a cart in the box.

As one of one in the Contemplation Series of early Nintendo games, Deranged Puzzle was seen as a "teaching moment" by its designer (who went into hiding shortly after the game's release).

For whatever reason, I had been hankering to do an early Nintendo-produced NES game. Those were the best. The formulaic but bizarre design is really the go-to for that retro look. I mean, we've got this overwhelming negative space, strange diagonals, staccato titles, and spartan pixel art. Oh, what the hell? Let's put in all in deep space. A decision-making process that still reminds us of being young and stupid. It's charmingly broken. Like the Mega Man box from the same era, it reminds us that we enjoy charmingly broken.

Would I play this? I'm not even sure the interaction one has with the game is called "playing".

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Castlevania: SOTN: THE GAME

This week, a twofer from JPL:

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: THE GAME

Adaptation of the hit musical adaptation of the beloved 32-bit Konami classic!

- Two weeks after Richter Belmont banished Count Dracula for all eternity, the Count has returned! Join Alucard "Racecar" Dracula on his quest to take revenge for all his cool junk getting stolen.
- Innovative Dance Battle System (tm) allows up to 32 ensemble cast members on screen at once.
- Sing, slash, jump and slide through 939 rooms (2.15 metric Castlevanias) of haunted nightmare-realm, based on actual sets from the Broadway smash.
- Over 200 fully customizable capes!
- Gain amazing vampiric transformation abilities: Wolf, Shroud of Fog, Gorilla, Burrowing Owl, Yoshi (Nintendo exclusive)!
- Thrill at the unguessable final twist reveal: Alucard's true connection to his father, Count Dracula!
- Unforgettable voice performances: Sir Ian McKellen as Death and David Cross as the Shopkeeper!
- Bring a backup hanky for the tear-jerking emotional conclusion with a surprise guest number by Michael Bolton!

Coming Fall 2010 for Nintendo 3DS and Bandai WonderWitch

"Two? TWO?" I'm pretending you ask. Well, the one on the left is JPL's ridiculously scathing submission and the one of the right is the imaginary poster for the imaginary musical on which the imaginary game is re-imagined. There are so many jokes here, you'll need a program.

First, the game. Obviously, this is quickie game some poor jerks had to bang out to stay in the black and, of course, the cover needs to reflect the connection between desperation and irrational appeals for money. I tried to keep the High School The Musical posters in mind. Zing!

Secondly, the musical. Webber is one of my most hated musical writers. I hate his crappy synth and his cloying stabs at emotion (which is saying something in musical theater)- But the dude has classy posters. Simple, graphic and eye catching. I wanted this to be readable from space. Where are the classy, graphic, eye catching video game covers? I'd like less from more, please.

Would I play this? Honey, if it's a 2D Castlevania game, I'm playing it. And So Many Capes!

Sound Decisions

This week's game is from Anne M:

Sound Decisions is an RPG about freelance foley artist Jack Claxon. When your sound department isn't bringing their A game, Claxon brings the skill you need. Brash and self-assured, Claxon has fallen on hard times in the movie industry, but he's determined to climb to the top again.

Claxon goes about his daily business - tidying at home, running errands in scenic Flicksburg, taking care of his aging aunt. But when his cell phone rings, it's time to go foley-ing! A movie producer will give him the rough plot of the movie. Claxon then only has X minutes to record all the effects he thinks he might need -- maybe Auntie Bella's snoring will be useful, but that means he has less time to run to the Flicksburg Pancake Haus to capture the sound of a flapjack being flipped!

Time's up, and it's off to the studio. Claxon had better gotten all the sounds he needed! He then uses his judgement and timing to apply the sound effects in his pool to the footage.

Doing well means a pay bonus (and higher residuals), calls for more difficult work, and the ability to buy more equipment to maximize his recording abilities. Doing really well means going all the way to the top... Regaining control of Claxon Industries, the sound design company founded by his great-grandfather.

This... this sounds like a game. I'm flummoxed like Sergeant Snorkel over here.

With most of my work taken care of with the set-up, this box art was an exercise in color. I wanted it bright, loud, and fun. Something that would alarm and disgust 15 year old boys (who would later remember the game fondly when they were 28). Since the time in the game is split between the 2 modes of play, it seemed best to sell that on the cover with Auntie Bella making the noize and dinosaurs awaiting said science.

Oh, man. I now realize I should have made this for the Wii. Who can blame me for having a soft spot for the PlayStation 2?

Would I play this game? Totally. Partially because I want to be Sound Guy Cool. Partially because this sounds legitimately fun. I'm kinda sad this doesn't exist.