Send me an email or leave a note with the title and short description of a video game that doesn't exist.
Once a week, I will draw pretend box art for your pretend game. It'll be fun. Maybe.

April 10, 2010

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Castlevania: SOTN: THE GAME

This week, a twofer from JPL:
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: THE GAME

Adaptation of the hit musical adaptation of the beloved 32-bit Konami classic!

- Two weeks after Richter Belmont banished Count Dracula for all eternity, the Count has returned! Join Alucard "Racecar" Dracula on his quest to take revenge for all his cool junk getting stolen.
- Innovative Dance Battle System (tm) allows up to 32 ensemble cast members on screen at once.
- Sing, slash, jump and slide through 939 rooms (2.15 metric Castlevanias) of haunted nightmare-realm, based on actual sets from the Broadway smash.
- Over 200 fully customizable capes!
- Gain amazing vampiric transformation abilities: Wolf, Shroud of Fog, Gorilla, Burrowing Owl, Yoshi (Nintendo exclusive)!
- Thrill at the unguessable final twist reveal: Alucard's true connection to his father, Count Dracula!
- Unforgettable voice performances: Sir Ian McKellen as Death and David Cross as the Shopkeeper!
- Bring a backup hanky for the tear-jerking emotional conclusion with a surprise guest number by Michael Bolton!

Coming Fall 2010 for Nintendo 3DS and Bandai WonderWitch

"Two? TWO?" I'm pretending you ask. Well, the one on the left is JPL's ridiculously scathing submission and the one of the right is the imaginary poster for the imaginary musical on which the imaginary game is re-imagined. There are so many jokes here, you'll need a program.

First, the game. Obviously, this is quickie game some poor jerks had to bang out to stay in the black and, of course, the cover needs to reflect the connection between desperation and irrational appeals for money. I tried to keep the High School The Musical posters in mind. Zing!

Secondly, the musical. Webber is one of my most hated musical writers. I hate his crappy synth and his cloying stabs at emotion (which is saying something in musical theater)- But the dude has classy posters. Simple, graphic and eye catching. I wanted this to be readable from space. Where are the classy, graphic, eye catching video game covers? I'd like less from more, please.

Would I play this? Honey, if it's a 2D Castlevania game, I'm playing it. And So Many Capes!

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